mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
