Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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