She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
