her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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