mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My liver just broke up with me...
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
True college students do jello shots in the library
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
