my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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