I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He felt like a one man threesome
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
