Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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