Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
