I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
