just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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