Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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