How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
