so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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