tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
