It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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