Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
