yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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