Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
