i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
