Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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