I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
