My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
