I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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