I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
