So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
