Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
