I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
