DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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