At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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