then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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