You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
