Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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