He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
