I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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