I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I queefed so loud it echoed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
