I haven't been this sober since birth.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
