bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
