i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
