If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
3pm strippers are depressing
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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