as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
