so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
