...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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