tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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