my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
