Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
