it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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