My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
