I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
