Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
